Fish that just got one of those “grab the book nearest you and turn to page X” memes and is honestly baffled.

Who has a single book that is clearly the “nearest”? Do you measure from the center of your body mass? From your outer surface? If it’s not clear, are you supposed to get a measuring tape? What if you walk nearer a different book on your way to get the tape and back? Do you have to measure the distance to every book along that path to pick the right one? What happens when you reach out to measure, changing your outer surface’s proximity to the book? What if you go through all this effort to find that there is no page X? What if the book is only X-4 pages long? What if page X is blank? What if page X was torn out in a fit of frustration the last time you had to go through this exercise.

This fish thinks the Internet is too complicated and goes back to reading.

(and before you ask, the fish can read underwater because of the SCUBA* gear.)

*Self Contained Underwater Browsing Apparatus

Sardinian Brook Salamander

Sardinian Brook Salamander_4

Salamander whose starving family caused him to steal, whose ineptitude at theft got him caught and jailed, whose patience got him out, whose cleverness and luck bought him a brand new life, whose strength got him noticed, and who is now trying to decide whether to allow an innocent bear his punishment or publicly come forward as Salamander 24601.

Mindanao Water Monitor

Mindanao Water Monitor_1

For years now, this water monitor has been collecting the religious paraphernalia offered by various door knockers, only to give the most recent set of documents the next individual in line when they choose to visit. It has proven to be an effective way to disrupt the process.

This water monitor has no proof, but suspects that a similar approach would be effective when applied to unsolicited photographs of genitalia

Asian Spotted Climbing Toad

Asian Spotted Climbing Toad

The spots on this frog made me start to think of anti-vax jokes, but really, a social movement that kills our kids just isn’t funny.

As much fun as it is to call them “stupid”, the lack of education in our population reflects on our society’s spending priorities and – for decades – we’ve preferred killing others to protecting our children and creating a better world in which they could live. We’ve allowed a privileged few to create an uneducated population just to keep them in power – risking all of our lives and creating a weakness to be exploited by foreign agents.

The return of measles and mumps are just the leading edge of the maelstrom of consequences heading our way.

So, sorry, but other than ourselves, no joke here today.

Butterfly Splitfin

Butterfly Splitfin_3

The butterfly splitfin is sort of extinct in the wild. I say “sort of” because it was declared extinct, then they found some more, then they found others that had escaped captivity.

So it is, perhaps, more fair to say that their population has been greatly reduced and then dispersed throughout the area so, while not extinct in the wild, the easiest way to see them is still at zoos.

Galapagos Tortoise

Galapagos Tortoise_2

This tortoise would like to point out that, had aliens visited Earth and set up terraforming equipment that pumped carbon into the atmosphere and raised planetary temperature, humans would have fixed the problem in a couple of years, then would invented interstellar space flight, new weaponry, and spy tech, and then flown off to kick ass.

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