Leopards will haul their prey up tall trees, allowing them to eat the carcass in peace, away from other predators.
Leopard tortoises do not do this.
Southern Leopard Tortoise
Category Archives: Reptile
African Spurred Tortoise
Tortoises hate doctors.
Northwestern Garter Snake
Wikipedia says “Garter snake is a common name for the nearly harmless, small to medium-sized snakes belonging to the genus Thamnophis”
Nearly harmless.
Nearly.
Turns out they like to target seniors for investment fraud.
African Spurred Tortoise
In Portland, even the tortoises eat kale.
African Spurred Tortoise
I swear, they get *so* dusty.
Mindoro Crocodile
Despite the clip art to the contrary, crocodiles are not well equipped to wear spectacles.
Gaboon Viper
The gaboon viper has triangles pointing towards their eyes so they can always be looking sharp.
Tamaulipan Cantil
Snake sensing the direction of the political winds to determine the feasibility of taking away one more human right prior to the mid-term elections.
Knob Tailed Gecko
Gecko suffering from the Capgras delusion regarding his plants.
Cuviers Dwarf Caiman
Dwarf caimans get a +1 bonus to bite against orc caimans and goblin caimans.
Orinoco Crocodile
Wonder if Enya would have sung “Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore” if she knew who lived there.
Galapagos Tortoise
Tortoise pondering whether it really counts as “wanting to save the world” when what you really want to do is utterly destroy very specific pieces of it.
Rattlesnake
This snake is upset.
This snake did not put in all those years* snake school**, rising*** through the snake ranks at work, only to be stymied days before he was to get supreme power by someone who dared**** to remember***** things.
This snake feels he is owed supreme power. He needs supreme power. Without supreme power how will he ever be able to alter the rights of mice?
—
* Four years at snake prep school, four years at regular snake school, and three years at fancy-ass super snake school for rich snakes
** Well, they call it snake school, but there seems to be a lot more snake partying than snake studying. Just an observation from looking at calendars and such.
*** Really, for rich snakes from fancy-ass snake schools, “rising” is really just about not screwing up too publicly so you can get the next job handed to you.
**** The nerve of some people.
***** Anecdotal evidence would suggest that this snake might not remember things as well as other snakes. In the interest of fairness, I will not blame the snake for this as the snake might not remember that the snake has a memory problem.
Alligator
This alligator is in favor of whatever stupid and cruel thing the government has recently decided to do, because desperate people make good eatin’.
(I made the post in advance but these days it’s not hard to be topical.)
American Alligator
This alligator likes eating people, thinks alligators should eat more people, and is pursuing this agenda.
This alligator, however, knows eating people is unpopular and actively works to hide true extent of his and his friends’ activities.
This alligator terms his behavior “resistance”.
Green Mamba
Snake patiently waiting to ask you the riddle so he can eat when you answer it incorrectly.
Tomistoma
This tomistoma thinks it is brave of a man, caught mis-using his power, sexually abusing women and threatening to destroy their careers, to re-enter public life.
This tomistoma knows not the difference between bravery and egotism.
Burmese Mountain Tortoise
The World Chelonian Trust says of the Burmese Mountain Tortoise (Manouria emys), “Wild caught emys are not much fun, even for those experienced with them.”
I suspect this is because they are constantly judging you.
Tentacled Snake
Tentacled snakes were named before the general popularity of anime. Still, it’s no excuse for the naturalists to not know what real tentacles looked like.
Impressed Tortoise
Impressed tortoise is not … well, not with you, anyway.